medicine of forgiveness

This was one of my biggest wounds from when I was a little girl, and it wasn’t until recently that I descended even deeper into the memories where the story began. God had brought to my attention that this was the very root of why I felt unsafe in my own body, unable to hold myself. A story that had made me seek what I needed externally for a very long time, yet close the vulnerable chambers of my heart as they scared me as much as I thought they would scare others. It was a deeply painful wound that had kept me in a loop of repeating a story I had written as a little girl. The story that I am too much, I am too difficult to be comforted, and I will be abandoned whenever I feel this much.

It was quite an overwhelming ceremony of forgiveness and release to transmute this pain into my own medicine. Reliving those painful memories I felt abandoned and too much as a child, feeling the pain once more but in the knowing that it would be the last time I had to as I was breaking a cycle, re-writing that story. As I was holding my own body like I would that little girl, I spoke to her…

“You are safe with me, and I will never abandon you. Your emotions are beautiful and I can hold them.”

That little girl was scared, worried it was not truly safe at all, so my mind drifted into external ways of finding comfort once more. This time, fully aware and fully conscious. So I gently led myself back to my heart and the present moment, repeating to myself that I am safe and I do not need anyone externally to comfort me. I am safe in myself, I am capable of comforting myself in this. So I did, and the little girl felt that inner trust and safety she had longed for all this time. A coming home, and a deeply felt release. This release came through forgiveness. Forgiving my parents for not having the ability to give me what I needed in moments of overwhelm. Thanking them for doing their very best with the tools they had. Seeing them for the humans they are, who have once been children too, with their own wounds and stories. Forgiveness comes when we find understanding. Understanding of a wound, the root to an action and to words spoken in fear. Seeing deeper than the personal offence, as it truly is never about us. This potent medicine of forgiveness will create a ripple effect of opportunity for more healing within my own family, both past and future. This is how we rectify the pain.

I am choosing vulnerability every day, even when it is difficult and uncomfortable, because that is where my medicine and strength lays. I am choosing forgiveness over bitterness, knowing that bitterness is a poison to my heart. I know that I am safe in myself, my heart is safe in my own hands, as it is in the hands of my Creator. My emotions are never too big, not for me, not for Him. I no longer feel abandoned or rejected if someone I open up to is incapable of holding me due to their own inner turmoil, as I now can hold myself. Instead I am able to see them in that moment and extend compassion. I no longer live the story I carried for so long, I carry a new story within my heart. The story that I am beautiful in my deep, heartfelt expressions, perhaps even the most beautiful. My sensitivity a gift, and my deepest wound now transmuted into my greatest power, the very power that ignites the fire within me – my purpose.

That is the medicine of forgiveness.

With love,
Miranda Maria.